Pain

When it comes to pain, I am not the best at dealing with it. A few months back I managed to detach my nail from my toe. I was in so much shock from the pain, that panicking I rang my mum saying that I needed an ambulance. Her natural response was "Grow a pair Alex! you've just broken a nail" and  thinking back it was a pretty stupid thing to do because she was 40 miles away and able to do absolutely nothing about it. On the other hand...

After that day, Alex and his nail's relationship was hanging by a thread and they began to grow apart, until one day it had had just about enough of him and fell off completely (73 painstaking days of struggling to put socks on)

Gardening

Gardening to me is a pointless hobby. I don't really enjoy it but I do it for money, and the odd tenner here and there doesn't hurt. It can be pretty dangerous for people that use chain saws and lawn mowers but I mostly pick up leaves and move them from one place to another which sounds pretty tame... However a few months ago whilst innocently moving leaves from one place to another, I stepped on a rake like in those comedy sketches. Any normal person would have been hit in the face or low chin area but no...because I'm a genetic giant, it hit me straight in the balls...

..I haven't been outside since

Knowing something that someone else doesn't know so you think you're better than them

Knowledge is a very powerful ideal, which is not to be messed with. Some people take advantage of knowledge and treat others like shit if they happen to have more. I found that when I was at school, if you had less knowledge you were less cool. There are two types of knowledge. The first is, of-course when you are a genuinely smart person with goals in your life and you pay attention during education to gain some kind of prospect for your future.
The second is secrets. Secrets tend to be for the slightly dimmer side of the population who don't have real knowledge to their advantage and spend most of their school days in detention or off "sick".
So to make up for the small brain, they decide to take part in some sort of sexual relation with a person that no-one has ever heard of. They then tell a group of people (who they know will tell everyone else) all the details except for the name of the person they had the relation with so everyone wants to know. This gives them the power of knowledge over other people. Then after it has been dragged out for years on end, the person then lets out the first name of the person but not the second. A few years later we get the second name; everyone Facebooks them and finds out they are either:

(a) an ugly munter
(b) have chlamydia
(c) don't exist.

Golf Etiquette

Etiquette is an important part of golf, more important than the balls, the clubs, the players and the actual course itself. Without etiquette golf is just a bunch of rogues hitting a 2 inch white ball across a field aiming at a hole twice the size. However it seems that this is becoming apparent as etiquette works its way out of the golfing scene.

Golfing is a proper sport. When you begin to regularly play golf and gain a handicap, your local course becomes extremely important, every shot in the round is vital, and the frustration that is generated when you duff a shot is soul destroying. So you can begin to understand the anger when hooligans play on the course you know and love.

Pushing in the line for tee-off is a good place to start. Tee-offs are given at very specific times, 7.06am for example. I have witnessed four grown men throw punches on a golf course because a group of two started before their tee-off time. Now I’m not advocating violence but NEVER, ever start before your designated time, it is given for a reason. If you’re late and miss your time you are going to get some serious bad looks because it messes up the whole choreography of that day’s golfing.

When you hit a duff shot and your club decides to carve the ground open like it has no other cares in the world, the divots that are made, especially when the ball plummets onto the green, need to be repaired. A sneaky golfer may try to avoid doing this because the chunk of grass he’s ripped out has landed 30 feet away and he doesn’t want to waste time, but the bunker that is created from their mistake can ruin other peoples game and make the course look a state.

It appears that the old fashioned tradition of shouting FOUR! when hitting a wayward shot has been eliminated from the grand old sport. It may not seem like etiquette but when someone gets hit with a 40 gram dot travelling at 150mph you’re going to hear something about it.... when they regain consciousness.

It may seem particularly funny to make loud noises on a golf course; because it’s a quiet, tranquil area where people have to keep their concentration for a long period of time. It isn’t. If any of you have seen Jackass you’ll know what kind of “air horn banter” and you’ll know what kind of rotten, golf club related death that came to the man that pressed it while golfers took their swing.

The moral of this story may seem pointless to you but is important for golf players to know that any future players of their beloved sport (if this very positive blog has enticed you to play) do not break the rules!

Olympics

Here's an interesting fact, that may or may not be true, depending on my sources. Did you know that an Olympic torch used by the runners cost £500 to make. Now this is all well and good if we didn't have to have a new torch for every single runner. There were 8000 runners so the Olympic torches alone cost this country's tax payers £4 million pounds. What's wrong with having one torch? or maybe two if the first one conks out? Not only that, people who have carried the torch and wanted a souvenir have to buy the torch from the Olympic committee for £250. Now strictly speaking do we not already own these torches considering we payed for them? It was estimated that we spent £8 billion on the Olympics, which makes £4 million one two thousandth of what was actually spent. If we hadn't spent that money every person in the U.K. would have an extra 20p. Fuck you Olympic committee I want my 20p back.

I don't know the words but I'm going to mumble them anyway so it sounds like I do

Stop pretending! We can all hear you doing it. Just because the music is loud doesn't mean we are suddenly impervious to the fact you are just making sound and not actually singing lyrics. In the car, in the shower, in a club, it's all the same and it doesn't help your cause because if anything you just sound a bit special. Not only that, it also ruins the song for the people who do know the words because they are practically correcting your idiotic screams. If you don't know the words, just miss them out and sing the rest it's still as fun and saves you some dignity.

Meaningless words

My account of a brief history of words

If you actually study words, it's hard to believe that there is any logic behind them at all. Whoever first constructed a word, I assume will have just made it up from the sound they made when they saw it. For example upon invention of the wheel I imagine someone making this sound out of curiosity "WOOOOOOOOO" (a rough guess). Onomatopoeia was formed. Then, humanity being the greedy race that it is, wrote the letters down on paper as some form of ownership so no other cave man could steal it. However letters didn't exist yet so they formed their own interpretations of shapes they thought the word looked like. Then, billions of years later the more intellectual minds on earth thought, these meaningless markings should be more bold and more distinct to make them easier to learn and understand. Hence letters were formed. Hence words were formed. This is the reason that when you say a word too many times in a sentence you start to question the word's meaning and how it actually got called it in the first place. Take for example the old tongue twister, "Red Lorry, Yellow Lorry". Say the word Lorry more than five times and you began to wonder why it's called a Lorry? What is a Lorry? Look at the word and try to make sense of it because I can't. Is it a cross breed between Large and Worry? Someone probably has some pretend logic behind it but I really don't know what to believe anymore. Its all a Falsity.